I have recently had another episode in my life were my mind is in utter chaos.I have suicidal thoughts,I want to live in the middle of no-where and never see a single person again.Its very hard to explain ,the anguish ,turmoil that’s happening in my mind gets literally unbearable.I believe (at this moment in time),these episodes are my brain,mind or both rearranging itself ,growing stronger,re-wiring to accomodate a new state of being ,the person I am pushing myself to become.Just like a body builder who must feel the burn in his muscles,to grow bigger and stronger.The best way I can explain it is like this;Imagine an old town the type you see on western films.Buildings made of wood ,people going about their everyday business everything’s normal,calm(except for the gun fights of course).The out of no-were a massive storm hits.Gales ,tornado’s ,torrential rain,thunder ,lighting,you get what I mean.The storm ravages the town,people start looting ,fighting ,basically chaos ensues.The storm eventually leaves as quick as it came.so the towns folk begin to rebuild their town and make its foundations a little stronger for when another storm arrives.
These days they last about 4-5days,when I firsrt noticed what they were at the age of 24,they lasted for months.Desperatley trying to escape them ,I turned to alcohol,porn ,prostitutes,leaving my young baby and then partner for days on end,travelling to Wales on my own ,trying to find a way out.Looking for comfort.of course I never found it.I was looking outwards instead of in ,that’s were the mighty war resided.And all I was doing was running away from it ,having no understanding of what was going on.It is true ,you cant run away from you’re problems.In a brave attempt to do so ,I moved to an idylic ,tiny country town.It was beautiful.Countryside on my doorstep,a loch 10 minutes walk awayAt first I thought it was paradise!However what I found out out it was like any large town,like Liverpool or Glasgow but in Microsm(if that’s a word,tiny I mean ha).Yes crime levels were extremely low ,but the people were just the same.Good ,bad and indifferent.And I thought my life would be perfect there ,become part of the community like in the T.v programme the vicar of dibley.Not so I’m afraid.The first time I was in a pub one guy ,fuelled by drugs and alcohol accused me on being paedophile.Just because I was new to the area.This brought up my aggressive ,defensive insecure monster . A drug addict lived next door to me and although he was a nice enough guy with his own problems ,he attracted undesirables ,of whom one came to my door looking for trouble and yet again I had to have a stern word with him.
Now, I don’t turn (much)to alcohol or porn(the prostitute thing has gone,that was down to needing affection and love,see love island post).I put myself in the hands of God ,hoping he will see me through!Still after all this time when I get them,I think there’s no way out ,only death.Somehow I keep going in faith .But like anything else faith needs to grow ,and although I have faith in many areas of my life,others lm still desperate ,doubting everything ,even God the universe whatever.
I still don’t know what these episodes really are.Are they a recovery from depression,suppression ,my neuro pathways re-wiring .I don’t know maybe all of them.What I do know is I feel that little bit stronger and that little bit more at peace with myself .For these reasons I will carry on this path to self discovery.I still have much,much work to do,and things that I’m not consciously aware of yet.Its tough,tougher than Mike tysons fists.The alternative,run around circles getting no- where ,doin the same old thing over and over and over again.Tried that many times,you’re not for me old freind ,I’m moving on!