At my first secondary school,at the age of 11,I was severely bullied ,spat on ,insulted,hit,ridiculed.I was an outcast,lonely no self esteem and a very stressful home life.I was small with red hair ,quiet and sensitive,a great target for bullies.This was around the mid eighties,I loved watching action films and T.v programmes were the hero’s save the day.Protecting the week and vulnerable.Among my favourites were,the A Team,Airwolf ,The Proffesionals and my heroes of the big screen were Charles Bronson and Roger Moore.I escaped in their worlds and in my fantasies ,pretending it was me,who was saving the world ,avenging a loved one and protecting the innocent .However in my ‘real life’ I always Skipped physical education by leaving my kit at home for fear of torture in the changing rooms.The bullying was so unbearable i truanted from school walking around parks of Liverpool and unused railway tracks,alone ,7/8 hours a day for weeks on end.I was 14 when my sister started karate classes at a local sports centre.I found out they did ju-Jitsu classes their too an decided to join.I was still in that school when I got a whit belt(the first in ju -jitsu).It gave me a tiny bit of confidence but it was not enough to stop the tsunami of abuse that came my way.Joy came when I was excepted into a different secondary school.It was now 1987.I decided without exception that I would not be bullied at this school.And I wasn’t ,I thank fully became an ‘inbetweener ‘ neither bullied nor a Bullie .l was good at martial arts and got a lot of confidence from it .It was great when you were play fighting with your mates,it worked .However at the age of 17 I discovered it DID NOT work in a real situation ,the hard way.I was basically attacked in a bar,bloodied ,bruised and swollen I still went to the cinema like we had planned .This wasn’t bravery ,well maybe a little.I can’t even remember what the film was,I was bombarded with fear and agonising thoughts of facing my parents looking the way I did.Staying out was the preferable option for me!My confidence was shattered ,as was my ego .Just as I was finding some self esteem it was obliterated by a nameless ,Unknown entity.I decided to take action ,I needed too.So I bought a punch bag,started weight training and so began my new search,to learn how to protect myself,with a compulsion and a tenacity not to be a victim .And lo and behold ,God / the universe came to my rescue.
A few months later I borrowed a book off a guy I worked with called ‘Watch My Back ‘by Geoff Thompson and it changed the course of my life .It had the answers I was looking for ,what worked physically in self protection,but more importantly a great philosophy on fear.I read the book in about 4 hours,non-stop I could not put it down.There they were the answers I was looking for right in front of me.God had gave me what I had been looking for;’Seek and thy shall find,knock and the door will be opened for you’.From pretty much then on ,I became involved in many violent incidents,in a bid to control and face my fears.I never actively looked for trouble,however if people actively sought me out or I thought people were trying to victimise or humiliate me and would’nt hesitate to react.
This went on for 20 years (often fuelled by alcohol) I have the scars to prove it.I won ,lost (whatever that means in a real fight),I got hurt ( mentally and physically ) I hurt others.I realise now this came from a deep insecurity,some home stored on my neaural path ways,and the more I continued this behaviour it fed that part of me more and more making me very paranoid,volotile and aggressive .That 11 year old boy never wanted to be bullied again!
A few years ago ,I got a message in a dream telling me I don’t need to do this any more or even train in combat .It told me I wasn’t at the highest level but that didn’t matter I had long conquerd my fear ,which is what I originally set out to do!I didn’t listen to that message ,until one day God gave me nudge (or should I say multiple punches )back onto the path he wants me to be in.
I was out with friends,drunk, and through my own stupidity caused a fight,well,not a fight (I couldn’t get near him)I was cut bruised swollen ,but it wasn’t like the beginning ,this was a definite,’get ur f***ing act together idiot ‘.My ego took a slight bruising but that soon healed (quicker than my face).
So I made a firm decision to cut right down on drinking alcohol (although I wasn’t drinking much at the time ,when I did I binged ) ,stop reading articles ,books ,etc about combat and self protection and most of all stop training in combat arts .I still feel the pull to do both of thes thing but they are getting less and less.l feel dramatically less paranoid,angry,aggressive (though I do have my moments).
So there you have it ,lesson learned .It took a while but I got there .This must be exactly were I’m to be today.Without the intervention of of ‘higher ‘who knows we’re I’d be ?Or is it sailing calming along exactly how it should ?
All the best