The Last Post

When I started this blog I wanted to get my story out there ,and hopefully help other people along the way.Then I started the usual stuff of trying to get my blog noticed.Today I got my notepad and pen and there was just nothing in me to write .And I really didn’t want to do it.I thought is this laziness,procrastination,writers block,but it wasn’t ,I realized I’ve been writing now on here and my own personal journal without a mental filter pouring all my emotional shit out.I filled about 200 pages,my mental sponge was full of shitty brown coloured water,and I kept squeezing until the sponge was dry.I feel lighter,happier,more relaxed ,more my true self.I’m not saying the work is over ,however massive progress has been made.I wrote about things I didn’t even know we’re in me,old haunting memories ,hate ,anger,envy ,jealousy ,basically everything .But this part of the journey is over(for now at least).I really don’t care now if anyone reads this or not.If they do and it helps them that’s great.For me this is a magnificent achievement !I knew I needed to do it ,I thought I wanted to be a famous blogger,helping people.That wasn’t the real reason ,but I was compelled to do it and found I why ,I reached the the destination.My message ,follow your compulsions you just never know what you will find.

Tony

Sandfield Park Secondary School,

Last week I went to a family members school leavers ceremony.It was at Sandfield park secondary school in Liverpool,as school for young people with disabilities.To  be honest I was not looking forward to sitting through each pupils presentation(my relatives yes).I don’t like crowded rooms ,and the chairs were not meant for sitting in  for long periods of time ,giving me a sore backside.

How wrong was I!The pupils sat in rows of seats to the right of the parents and visitors row,some in motorised wheel chairs.

The service began with a song from a young lady who was one of the leavers.l was blown away with her courage  and confidence ,obviously nurtured by the school ,parents and carers.She was an inspiration.Then each of the eleven leavers ,ready to go out into the world to colleges and jobs,had a photo montage shown about their time at this great school.They were presented with certificates,for their individual achievements according to their own skills and capabilities. The awards varied :sports,work experience ,making friends ,outdoor adventures,music ,even having having a positive attitude.How amazing and refreshing is that!They were also rewarded and praised for facing fears,hard work and effort.

As my relatives montage began,the unmistakeable beggining of the song ‘in the air tonight ‘ by Phil Collins started to play.My eyes began to fill up,and I thought ‘sod it ,I’m just gonna let it flow’.And so did.Watching a shy young boy ,grow into a confident man touched my soul.When it ended I needed space(and a smoke;I know,I know).

Outside I had a compulsion to go over to some trees.There was no one outside ,the light rain tip tapping on the trees as if nature was communicating with me.Yes, I did say that and I had my medication today.I was compelled to touch them and speak to them.So shiftily looking around making sure no one was looking at me ,I touched the trees.I said to them what can you teach me .The answer,let it be,just let it be.Trees and nature don’t stand stagnant ,they don’t force themselves,themselves to grow.They develop at the right time ,in the right seasons.They don’t worry (as far as we know).They give us oxygen ,give us food ,give homes to many species of life.yet,they just are.

I went back inside and as coincidence would have it(or not),I noticed a guy with a Beatles T-shirt on it ,and emblazoned on it ( have you guessed it yet)’let it be.(Paul Mcartney was inspired to write this song when he had a dream ,I think about his mum who had died,telling him to just let I be ,everything will be ok)

I learned I had let my mental guard down ,and allowed myself to see and feel the unseen.

I also learned how the kids at the school were thriving.Not judged or marked on their weaknesses.I read a school report recently ,from an English school about a 13 year old boy.According to the report he was doing great,in most things.I looked at the  Spanish teachers report ,it had a no 4,next to it .I didn’t know what that meant so I looked at the key,it said cause for concern.Are they f***ing joking or what!A language he’ll probably never have to use unless Spain invade us and succeed in the next 50 years or so.

Overall I was inspired ,had a spiritual connection,God nudging me again ,giving me a message.

Most of all how content and joyful those pupils appears to be.

lesson: Be yourself to the best of your ability.Let down your guard and be true to yourself .Focus on your gifts and srengths.A person in a great environment flourishes.

Thank you,and love to yo all at Sandfield Park,and best wishers  to the leavers .

Tony

 

God Gives Me A Dig

I’ve struggled for a long,long time about were my life was going.Whats my purpose ?Whats my passion ?Thats what all the self help books tell you to find ,right!What I have found out God(universe ,Angels ,whatever)guides you onto the spiritual path whether you are aware of it or not.There are many ways he does this ,what appear to be to us good and bad experiences ,or are they?It could be something like a great opportunity but you don’t embrace it because fear or procrastination is holding you back.Or it could be a physical beating in a street fight.Both of these have happened To me and on more than one occasion.Im not talking about someone who is innocently attacked in any way ,certainly not!(AlThough to be honest lessons can be learned from everything however tragic or heartbreaking .)I’m talking about choices we make in every day life.I think it’s like this;if you have even the slightest spiritual connection (that’s how it starts anyway ,even Jesus studied religion at an early age)the omnipotent power will try its best for us at that exact time ,to nudge us back on the path.

When I refer to the word dig ,it means,in this case a punch ,because that’s what happened to me to get me back on the path.I was drunk stupid and the inevitable happened.

On the other hand ,I’ve missed out on great opportunities to mix with my hero’s and mentors ,which now have sadly gone.I didn’t take the bull by the horns ,I didn’t use my favourite motto ‘He Who Dares Wins'( as I’m sure Del Trotter would have).No!I never got off my arse,used a multitude of excuses:to far to travel ,can’t afford it(need money to go out and party),I’m not really interested anyway.All poor excuses hiding the fact I was scared to leave my comfort zone.

Interestingly enough,I have found if you keep swaying off the path back onto an old repetitive one and you still haven’t learned your lesson the ‘digs’ get gradually , more and more severe until hopefully you finally learn your lesson,as thankfully have I.

As a result my life has changed dramatically .I suffer less with depression ,I laugh heartily daily with my family and I am now following my dreams .Of course I still have daily struggles ,like everyone else.However ,I’m on the right path(for now)and that’s  all matters.Until i stray off again ,as I inevietiabley I will(hopefully not as far as I have in the past)then God will give me another little nudge in the right direction.

So listen to your messages ,God definitely tells you when you’re off course.

Tony

Physical Excercise;Release The Beast

Being a highly sensitive person,I have found out of nessesasity coping mechanisms for survival and a happier life.Physical excercise is the ground base for me.

As we are hsp ,our sympathetic nervous system is on override each day everyday pumping adrenaline through our bodies ready for fight or flight were no danger really exists.A look from a work colleague ,a couple shouting in the park.Everyday were pumped with a chemical to make us stronger and faster,immune to pain ,if left to run riot in our bodies,it contributes to making us physicaly and mentally ill.It also makes us even more agitated ,angry on edge,these things we don’t really want.

At 24 years old I had my first breakdown.I was constantly dizzy,paranoid ,nervous,I couldn’t even sit in a classroom in college without thinking the lecturer was staring at me and out to get me in some bizzare way.I was told by medical Proffesionals that the dizziness ,tiredness and anger ,were partly due to adrenaline charging round my body.

Some people say a brisk walk is all you need ,and this may be so for a lot of people ;for us hsp ,I think not.

what I have found personally and in studies ,sessions off 15 -20 minutes high intensity were you get a good sweat on releasing the adrenaline is much more effective.Of course ,we can do it to a level that we can cope with due to fitness and health,even five or ten minutes high intensity is better than an hours stroll around the park.

Running,skipping,sprinting and cycling are all good examples.I also weight train and find that a good method of release.The important thing is to find something that works for you!There are many other types of sports and excercise ,so try them,you never know you might even find a new hobby,or become a gold medalist at your chosen sport ,who knows?At first though make sure its not too competitive or just train on your own like I do then ,your only in competition with yourself and that’s fun.You can add another five minutes to your run,add more weight to you’re bar,but please don’t become obsessed with it ,this just creates even more stress.Also seek expert opinion on your chosen excercise from a book,the Internet ,a trainer so you perform it properly greatly improving you’re chance of progression and not getting any injuries.

Excercise ,done correctly really does make a difference .You will feel lighter calmer more relaxed ,less stressed;and you don’t have to do it every day to get results ,I’ve built up to 3 times a week and that works for me!

Have fun with it ,don’t overtrain ,research it first and if you have a medical condition ,seek advice from a medical Proffesional first.

Be brave ,be nice ,be respectful

Tony

I’ve Got It!Im A Highly sensitive Person

What a revelation!

After twenty five years of searching ,I feel like I’ve found a diamond in a rock.

I was reading an article on the Tiny Buddah blog ,written by Bryn Adams about hsp(highly sensitive people).It struck a chord with me (the kind that slash would hit on his guitar).I was searching for answers and there it was ,right in front of me.The first article on the page.Bryn explains a little about her personal experience as a highly sensitive person.I have never heard of this term ,it’s definitely something that should be talked about more ,because people are ashamed to talk about their feelings as they feel stupid or weak,which is absolutely not the case!

Individuals who are hsp find it difficult to navigate their way through life.They hide in the shadows like an undiscovered race.They are born with sensitive sympathetic nervous systems which are triggered by a by the slightest thing.A comment ,a look,a loud noise.This can be magnified by your life circumstances.For example;I had a a suppressed childhood ,bullied  severely for three years and was born small in height with red hair ,and a face which on a scale of  1-10 was judged as 2 and 3 by two close relatives.As a result of my experiences my life became chaos.I became violent,turned to alcohol ,became a recluse of sorts,couldn’t keep a job for long and ultimately led to   three suicide attempts.However I’m still here(by the skin of my teeth) because I found ways of coping through much learning through self discovery and research .

Ive made some choices I regret and choices I am happy about.I don’t want any other hsp to do the same,although they inevitably will,that’s life and each of us has our own path.

I have gained valuable knowledge from spirituality,personal development ,science and just every day observations.

I hope you will enjoy my blog site and hopefully find something from it that works for you and helps you on life’s journey.

I wish you well

Tony

 

Mental Torture

I have recently had another episode in my life were my mind is in utter chaos.I have suicidal thoughts,I want to live in the middle of no-where and never see a single person again.Its very hard to explain ,the anguish ,turmoil that’s happening in my mind gets literally unbearable.I believe (at this moment in time),these episodes are my brain,mind or both rearranging itself ,growing stronger,re-wiring to accomodate a new state of being ,the person I am pushing myself to become.Just like a body builder who must feel the burn in his muscles,to grow bigger and stronger.The best way I can explain it is like this;Imagine an old town the type you see on western films.Buildings made of wood ,people going about their everyday business everything’s normal,calm(except for the gun fights of course).The out of no-were a massive storm hits.Gales ,tornado’s ,torrential rain,thunder ,lighting,you get what I mean.The storm ravages the town,people start looting ,fighting ,basically chaos ensues.The storm eventually leaves as quick as it came.so the towns folk begin to rebuild their town and make its foundations a little stronger for when another storm arrives.

These days they last about 4-5days,when I firsrt noticed what they were at the age of 24,they lasted for months.Desperatley trying to escape them ,I turned to alcohol,porn ,prostitutes,leaving my young baby and then partner for days on end,travelling to Wales on my own ,trying to find a way out.Looking for comfort.of course I never found it.I was looking outwards instead of in ,that’s were the mighty war resided.And all I was doing was running away from it ,having no understanding of what was going on.It is true ,you cant run away from you’re problems.In a brave attempt to do so ,I moved to an idylic ,tiny country town.It was beautiful.Countryside on my doorstep,a loch 10 minutes walk awayAt first I thought it was paradise!However what I found out out it was like any large town,like Liverpool or Glasgow but in Microsm(if that’s a word,tiny I mean ha).Yes crime levels were extremely low ,but the people were just the same.Good ,bad and indifferent.And I thought my life would be perfect there ,become part of the community like in the T.v programme the vicar of dibley.Not so I’m afraid.The first time I was in a pub one guy ,fuelled by drugs and alcohol accused me on being paedophile.Just because I was new to the area.This brought up my aggressive ,defensive insecure monster . A drug addict lived next door to me and although he was a nice enough guy with his own problems ,he attracted undesirables ,of whom one came to my door looking for trouble and yet again I had to have a stern word with him.

Now, I don’t turn (much)to alcohol or porn(the prostitute thing has gone,that was down to needing affection and love,see love island post).I put myself in the hands of God ,hoping he will see me through!Still after all this time when I get them,I think there’s no way out ,only death.Somehow I keep going in faith .But like anything else faith needs to grow ,and although I have faith in many areas of my life,others lm still desperate ,doubting everything ,even God the universe whatever.

I still don’t know what these episodes really are.Are they a recovery from depression,suppression ,my neuro pathways re-wiring .I don’t know maybe all of them.What I do know is I feel that little bit stronger and that little bit more at peace with myself .For these reasons I will carry on this path to self discovery.I still have much,much work to do,and things that I’m not consciously aware of yet.Its tough,tougher than Mike tysons fists.The alternative,run around circles getting no- where ,doin the same old thing over and over and over again.Tried that many times,you’re not for me old freind ,I’m moving on!

 

Oh To Be A Warrior

At my first secondary school,at the age of 11,I was severely bullied ,spat on ,insulted,hit,ridiculed.I was an outcast,lonely no self esteem and a very stressful home life.I was small with red hair ,quiet and sensitive,a great target for bullies.This was around the mid eighties,I loved watching action films and T.v programmes were the hero’s save the day.Protecting the week and vulnerable.Among my favourites were,the A Team,Airwolf ,The Proffesionals and my heroes of the big screen were Charles Bronson and Roger Moore.I escaped in their worlds and in my fantasies ,pretending it was me,who was saving the world ,avenging a loved one and protecting the innocent .However in my ‘real life’ I always   Skipped physical education by leaving my kit at home for fear of  torture in the changing rooms.The bullying was so unbearable i truanted from school walking around parks of Liverpool and unused railway tracks,alone ,7/8 hours a day for weeks on end.I was 14 when my sister started karate classes at a local sports centre.I found out they did ju-Jitsu classes their too an decided to join.I was still in that school when I got a whit belt(the first in ju -jitsu).It gave me a tiny bit of confidence but it was not enough to stop the tsunami of abuse that came my way.Joy came when I was excepted into a different secondary school.It was now 1987.I decided without exception that I would not be bullied  at this school.And I wasn’t ,I thank fully became an ‘inbetweener ‘ neither bullied nor a Bullie .l was good at martial arts and got a lot of confidence from it .It was great when you were play fighting with your mates,it worked .However at the age of 17 I discovered it DID NOT work in a real situation ,the hard way.I was basically attacked in a bar,bloodied ,bruised and swollen I still went to the cinema like we had planned .This wasn’t bravery ,well maybe a little.I can’t even remember what the film was,I was bombarded with fear and agonising thoughts of facing my parents looking the way I did.Staying out was the preferable option for me!My confidence was shattered ,as was my ego .Just as I was finding some self esteem it was obliterated by a nameless ,Unknown entity.I decided to take action ,I needed too.So I bought a punch bag,started weight training and so began my new search,to learn how to protect myself,with a compulsion and a tenacity not to be a victim .And lo and behold ,God / the universe came to my rescue.

A few months later I borrowed a book off a guy I worked with called ‘Watch My Back ‘by Geoff Thompson and it changed the course of my life .It had the answers I was looking for ,what worked physically in self protection,but more importantly a great philosophy on fear.I read the book in about 4 hours,non-stop I could not put it down.There they were the answers I was looking for right  in front of me.God had gave me what I had been looking for;’Seek and thy shall find,knock and the door will be opened for you’.From pretty much then on ,I became involved in many violent incidents,in a bid to control and face my fears.I never actively looked for trouble,however if people actively sought me out or I thought people were trying to victimise or humiliate me and would’nt hesitate to react.

This went on for 20 years (often fuelled by alcohol) I have the scars to prove it.I won ,lost (whatever that means in a real fight),I got hurt ( mentally and physically ) I hurt others.I realise now this came from a deep insecurity,some home stored on my neaural path ways,and the more I continued this behaviour it fed that part of me more and more making me very paranoid,volotile and aggressive .That 11 year old boy never wanted to be bullied again!

A few years ago ,I got a message in a dream telling me I don’t need to do this any more or even train in combat .It told me I wasn’t at the highest level but that didn’t matter I had long conquerd my fear ,which is what I originally set out to do!I didn’t listen to that message ,until one day God gave me nudge (or should I say multiple punches )back onto the path he wants me to be in.

I was out with friends,drunk, and through my own stupidity caused a fight,well,not a fight (I couldn’t get near him)I was cut bruised swollen ,but it wasn’t like the beginning ,this was a definite,’get ur f***ing act together idiot ‘.My ego took a slight bruising but that soon healed (quicker than my face).

So I made a firm decision to cut right down on drinking alcohol (although I wasn’t drinking much at the time ,when I did I binged ) ,stop reading articles ,books ,etc about combat and self protection and most of all stop training in combat arts .I still feel the pull to do both of thes thing but they are getting less and less.l feel dramatically less paranoid,angry,aggressive (though I do have my moments).

So there you have it ,lesson learned .It took a while but I got there .This must be exactly were I’m to be today.Without the intervention of of ‘higher ‘who knows we’re I’d be ?Or is it sailing calming along exactly how it should ?

All the best

Tony